Are you stuck with your body shape?

There was an episode of Penn and Teller’s Bullshit that called out the bodybuilding and diet supplement industries. You’ve seen the adverts. A wimpy little guy spends half an hour at the gym and drinks a special milkshake. Suddenly, he’s a man mountain striding down the street. The women all want him. The men all fear him.  According to the programme, this never happens. You’re born into one of three body shapes.

            Endomorphs are fat fucks.

            Ectomorphs are skinny fucks.

            Mesomorphs are the big fuck-off fucks.

            There’s not much you can do to change that. It’s your genetic destiny and you’re stuck with it.

            All I can say is, that’s not my experience. Throughout my childhood, I was a skinny fuck. My PE teacher described me as a stick of celery in a t-shirt. After leaving school, I moved in with my girlfriend. She was a great cook, who went in for a rich creamy sauces. I devoured them eagerly and soon had that skinny bloke with a belly look. Fortunately, she found it cute. Then I went to university, where I found a subsidised bar with Guinness at £1.40 a pint. Before I knew it, I was a full-on fat fuck.

            There are endless opportunities for people with philosophy degrees and I was able to land a job in that most desirable place, Slough. The office was right next to a gym. I went there four times a week, worked with a personal trainer, lifted heavy weights, and became a big fuck-off fuck.

            Nothing lasts forever, though. Soon, I was forced to leave my beloved Slough and slum it in Paris. It’s a great place to live, but eye-wateringly expensive, so economies had to be made. Not so many meals out. Lots of fruit and vegetables in my apartment. I also went running along the Canal Saint-Martin every evening because I couldn’t afford to do anything else. Soon, I was a skinny fuck again.

            We’ve been in lockdown for eighteen months. The gym’s been closed. The shop that sells beer and chocolate has been open throughout. I’m now once more … well, go figure.

            Everyone’s different, but, in my experience, the idea that you’re stuck with one body shape for life is bullshit!